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Area: Nurturing |
Topic: Depression
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Article : Me
Depressed? |
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Underwritten
by ______
(Would you like to have your company, organization
or your name listed here?) |
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Dear Friends:
I have always felt that
I was pretty much in charge of where I was going and what I was doing. I
also have a pretty positive emotional
history for most of my life including 25 successful years of providing
counseling to others, running several self-employment situations,
remodeling two houses and building a third. I have always had a
direction and was proud of my capacity to productively handle any
situation that entered my life.
However, the reality of
real life reared its ugly head one day a couple of years ago.
I suddenly found myself in a situation that was forcing a change in my
vocational direction and my marriage. I could do nothing but wait
for events to unfold (my projections were that the wait would last for at least a year if not
more) to discover what the future would hold for this 60 year old
individual.
As
a result, I suddenly found myself the unfortunate victim of my thoughts. Usually
preoccupied with designing my next positive project, my mind became
totally consumed by the generation of fearful thoughts. These thoughts
absorbed my nightly attempts to fall asleep and would wake me well before dawn to
continue their occupation of my mind.
Making
matters worse, Anne had taken a teaching position leaving me with the role
of homemaker. Making the bed, feeding Fritz the dog, and running the
microwave were not my usual directions for maintaining my ego which was
quickly dissolving around me.
| Making it Through
the Day |
The ten to eleven
o'clock slot in the morning was the worst. My body would freeze, and
my breathing would become very tentative as I anticipated the unwanted and unknown
dark future. I would eventually walk
the quarter mile to the mailbox, my fears mixed with possible anticipation
about what its contents could hold for me.
Afternoons
would find me wanting to escape by giving in to the need for continual naps. I was constantly fighting the heavy weight of tiredness given
to me by my poor sleep the night before.
Twenty
pounds (it was really unneeded and probably due to too much ice cream)
quickly evaporated and two extra holes were punched in my belt to cinch pants
that slipped from my hips.
My
usual productive nature found itself with a dead battery, a flat tire, and
a blown engine. It was all I could do to complete the household
tasks Anne left for me, let alone fix my lunch.
There
was also an ugly taste in my mouth, continually reminding me of my
disagreeable future.
Further
complicating things, Anne's and my relationship was also frayed by my
emotional strife. I found myself failing to share my fears lest I
add further fuel to our strained and difficult times together. I
was also being left without the support and the in-depth relationship with
my wife that I had known and come to value and appreciate during the
previous 30 years.
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Beginning my
Meditation Practice
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Realizing my situation
was not going to change in the near future, and that I wasn't dying from a
terminal illness, I had to find some way to turn this difficult situation
into something valuable.
Earlier
in my life I
had made several unsuccessful attempts at exploring meditation,
but I found it next to impossible to focus my mind and much easier to allow it
to run its usual wild creative and positive route. But now, my mind was spinning out of
control, digging deep negative trenches. I was not going to give in
to this fate. I had to change my mental behaviors.
With
this goal of changing my mind's focus, I
began a standard meditation practice of continually returning my
thoughts from their negative, nonproductive deviance to focusing on my
breathing.
Needless
to say, I was not very successful at first, and my mind, (especially at 5
AM) was
very deviant. This deviance provided lots of room for
practice. Each time I became consciously aware of my negative and
scary thoughts, I returned to an awareness of my breathing and
discovered its shallow and contracted nature. This awareness usually resulted in
some limited relaxation and
calming of my breathing before my mind began running amuk again.
I
also purchased some meditation tapes figuring that someone else
telling me what to do would be more productive than expecting me to direct
my depressed self.
My
favorite tape was Eight Meditations for Optimum Health recorded by
Andrew Weil, MD (available on line from our friends at Horizon Books www.horizonbooks.com). I was especially attracted to his meditation on Loving
Kindness on that tape and eventually adapted my own
version.
By
making the following requests, I was amazed at my ability (at least for the
moment) to change my internal feelings.
May I feel happy.
May I feel healthy and well.
May I feel peaceful.
May I feel liberated.
After each of these
statements, I would focus on the small resulting physical changes
that would occur, along with the slight resolution in my
breathing. Of course, my mind continued to wander, but that just
gave me more opportunity to learn how to bring it back on task
again.
When
I had completed this whole cycle for myself (sometimes exceeding half an
hour when my errant mind was running away the most), I would replace
"I" with the names of others I felt were in need. I was
amazed at how I began to feel at least a little productivity offering these
small prayers for others.
I
found the peacefulness of this Ever Loving Kindness meditation to
be the most effective when preparing myself for sleep at
night.
I must admit that even
with my new meditation practice, most of my thoughts were still
non-productive, I was still having trouble sleeping, I was still loosing
weight, and I still had difficulties with my motivation, but I could at
least see some light from somewhere in the future, even though it was
quite dim.
Recognizing
that my depressed state was connected to my lack of desire for physical
activity, I returned to the yoga exercises I had practiced many years
before. I purchased Michael Reed Gach's Acu-Yoga tapes (Sounds
True Audio, 735 Walnut St., Boulder, CO 80302, 800-333-9185).
The
physical exploration suggested by his words along with the deeper
breathing and acupressure points that were stimulated, helped to increase
my limited productivity and my minimal feelings of self-worth.
I also found Saki
Santorelli's book, Heal Thy Self (available from our friends at Horizon
Books www.horizonbooks.com)
(which should be a best seller and in everyone's emotional emergency
library) to be the helping hand that took me from day to day. Each
night, I would sit and read another chapter and explore his exercises which in turn would enlighten
the next day. He reminded me that I was not alone in this process
(we are all struggling with life's challenges), that I would not die from
this experience, and that I was discovering more
of my real self as I explored my painful path.
| Reaching for the
Higher Power |
Also, in my desperation,
I began reaching for a god that I had never really met. I had prayed
before, but never for myself. It was all right to ask for others,
but in my mind, not to ask for myself.
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Come On, Grandpa
by Char Follis
View more of her work at:
The Gifted Eye |
I
recall an afternoon when I reached one of my lowest points. Unable
to be productive in my aloneness, I laid on the couch with a desperate
need to escape and find some sleep. Instead, I found myself
encountering the extreme limits of my fears. In desperation, I began asking God for
a helping hand with my
future. An unconscious release occurred, and I fell into a
peaceful state of sleep.
Upon waking,
I walked outside. There, I witnessed a flock of at least two dozen
mourning doves all centered in a small oak sapling I had planted about 10 years
before. Such an unusual gathering of such a peaceful and beautiful
bird within my yard had to be an indication of comfort in my
future.
This
experience was a turning point for me. From then on, each new day,
while accompanied with my continued momentous back slides, also found
small little pieces of new hope and improvement.
Even today, when most of
the reasons for those catastrophic fears have resolved, I still find
myself digging holes. My 60 year old body continues to deteriorate,
and I find myself having to make adjustments in the way I approach
physical activity rather than just charging ahead.
From
time to time, I field the awareness that both my grandfathers were dead at
this age. That could be me.
My
capacity to earn a living as a professional musician decreases a little
more each day as I succumb to the reality I can no longer push the
physical extremes demanded by set up, take down, and the long hours of
performance.
Will
this web site that has totally occupied my time for the past year ever
return a financial reward, or has this just been another of Gary's wild
dreams?
Then,
once again, that faint little light appears. Or perhaps I will
hear the mourning dove's soft coo, or he will appear, sitting in that tree
in the front yard, giving me the awareness that there is much more going
on here than I realize. That there is some pattern to this madness of
life I have been experiencing, and that there is a power much stronger and
wiser than I, that has been taking me along this path in preparation for my
future, whatever that may be.
I
can't sit and wait for that power to act upon me. Instead, I must
recognize my place and my role within this universe and do whatever I
possibly can to light the lives of others, whether it be the simple act of
a smile or a "Hello" shared with whomever I encounter, a short
note to thank or respond to someone else's generosity and kindness, or
perhaps just writing this piece.
I
invite you to SUBMIT your story and your process of growing via the obstacles
that have impeded your path. I am sure your fellow caregivers will
appreciate your wisdom and your honesty.
SEND
this article to a friend!
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Underwritten
by ___________
(Would
you like to have your company, organization or your name listed
here?)
|
